Bloke up the road is selling labrador puppies for £300! For £600, he'll train them, too.
"What do you train them to do?" I asked, stunned by the price tag.
"Fetch sticks," he told me proudly.
For an extra £300 I'd want the mutt to fetch the sticks, then knock-up a coffee table. Possibly drive me to the pub and back, to boot.
He also stops the hounds from crapping on your carpet. Colin bought one. When Colin got the bill, he began crapping on the carpet.
The dog breeder fosters such slavish obedience from his charges by grabbing their ears. It's simple, but effective. I know. I couldn't go to the toilet at primary school for fear someone was going to climb over the cubicle and pull my ears.
Even now, I have to don ear muffs.
I reckon the bloke should just wipe their bums with some of that hard, shiny toilet paper, so popular in 1970s schools. They'd be house trained in a day.
"There's an even better way of stopping them crapping on your carpet, but I don't use it," the trainer admitted.
What is it?
"When the puppy looks like he's wants to 'go', gently pick him up, cradle him in your arms, take him outside, go next door and plonk him on their carpet. It really does work."