Our delinquent cat Keogh was affectionate for the first time yesterday, rubbing against my leg and making a soft mewing noise. Then she was violently sick.
I feel it was a protest by the mad moggie after being given cheap cat food, instead of the gourmet feline fare she usually feasts upon. Perhaps she was aiming for my shoes.
Whatever the reason, there can be no denying Keogh is not her usual self: her 'usual self' being extremely violent. She still lashes out with razor-sharp claws and sinks her teeth into my hand, but her heart's not in it. I can tell. I no longer bleed.
Julie is worried about the pampered puss. She fears Keogh is bored and needs more stimulation.
I'm bored and need more stimulation, but I try not to vomit on the carpet.
"Listen to that," whispered the wife. "She's never made that noise before."
Keogh was purring.
"We need to change her routine," fussed Julie, "give her something a little different." If she means a different part of my anatomy to savage, she - and the cat - can forget it.
The local 'cat whisperer', who in the past has helped with our pet's behavioural problems, thinks we should do things together. Keogh's favourite pastime is killing things, then flinging the mangled remains in the air for half-an-hour. She also carries earthworms into the house in her mouth.
I've promised to give it a go. I refuse to chase my tail, however.
"The problem is," cooed the cat shrink, holding the crazed creature dangerously close, "you are just too clever, aren't you, Keogh."
Three times this week Keogh has tried to urinate in her litter tray and missed. That's not the work of a MENSA member.
The odd behaviour could also be a case of worms, conceded the expert. It's often the way. There's a very thin line between pure genius and suffering from tapeworm.
If she's looking for excitement, the cat's picked the wrong house. I had to sit down and get my breath back after discovering a tub of hazelnut yogurt had past its sell-by date.
"A lot of this apparent naughtiness is a desire to feel wanted," said the cat whisperer.
"If she bites my hand again, she'll feel my foot up her..."
"That's exactly the kind of attitude that makes matters worse," scolded the woman. "How would you feel if you were threatened with physical violence by someone a lot bigger after a misdemeanour?"
"If I'd gone to the toilet in their new Nike trainers," I told her, "I'd probably feel I deserved it."